I have always been of the opinion that people should be completely honest with each other. I had never met people who were1, but it seemed a good idea if your relationships could survive past the first year of it. Recently, I was given pause when I finally met someone who is completely open in his assessments. And I really wasn’t ok with it.
While it has never been something I felt able to put into practice, blunt honesty always seemed to be better for everyone in the long run. Perhaps painful as hell over the next few months, but beneficial in the long run. The trick in my mind is figuring out which of your relationships it is applicable for. The trouble is that in order for someone to be honest with you in a way that is constructive and good for long term growth, they have to both care for you and know you well. Now I think that many friends will grab each other when they think the other is about to do or say something stupid, but for most, it should have never reached that point.
Your friends know your faults. Your closest friends know your faults better than you do, they know all the places that you don’t see, or that you have blown off as not hurting anyone. But they look past them, because that is what friends do. If you’re doing something potentially harmful, they still step in. But we all have these things that aren’t really hurting anyone, but do make like more difficult for ourselves and others. We call them ‘quirks’ or say, ‘well, that is just how she is’, both of which are nonsense. As is often the case, there are a stack of reasons that we don’t confront these things.
One is that there are just more important things going on. My friends’ lives, as well as my own, tend to have so much stress, and are so busy, that most of our quirks can simply wait. They don’t seem important to the here and now. Whether dealing with minor long term quirks is less important that more pressing short term matters is a matter of opinion, I will note that the short term pressing matter will almost always hold our attention.
Also in this same vein is that we simply do not care. My friends have fallacies and if they always have those, they will remain my friends. It is difficult emotionally on both parties to bring up something that will be beneficial in the long term, while making clear that even if the issue remains, it won’t hurt your relationship. People think they need to be perfect, or they think that you need them to be perfect. No… I don’t need you to be perfect. But we might as well try for as close as we can get while knowing we’re loved regardless.
Another, which ties into the previous, is that we aren’t sure how they will take their faults being pointed out. Perhaps they already know, but don’t think it is an issue. Perhaps they are blind to it and will deny their flaws. Perhaps they are so stuck in the issues of today that they refuse to see the importance of correcting their issues for the long term. Perhaps they will think you are being nosey and condescending. Perhaps they get defensive, immediately wondering why you are pointing out their flaws instead of fixing your own, not realizing that you are simply trying to help. And not realizing that perhaps you don’t see your own flaw, because your friend has never pointed it out to you. This one is all down to trust, which is why this could only work in relationships that are strong already. Though it could also work if the people were slightly calloused and highly introspective. I’m just not sure how many of us there are like that, and it leads to its own set of troubles besides.
This last reason is where my issue with the gentleman I mentioned in the beginning comes in. For blunt honesty to work, the people have to know each other. I mean, really know each other. It is not enough for us to be friends, what is required is that we know enough about each other to see the why behind our actions. Not the standard cookie cutter drivel that you can get from any day time talk show, but specifics to that person’s life. Without that, it is too easy to be wrong. Perhaps all I see is the short temper, but don’t see the loneliness behind it. Where the world sees the striving, but not what you are running from. Only those who know you will find and care to work through the heartache behind the facade of arrogance.
It is in this that caused me to reject what the gentleman was saying2. He could only approach the symptom. He had no way of knowing if he was correct, though I suspect he often is. He also makes people defensive, as they do not know how to react when they are called out on something. These things require trust, understanding, and a commitment to follow through with the person you are confronting through their process of getting things worked out. He can’t claim to fulfill those requirements.
Even blunt and brutal honesty requires tact.
~ Christopher]
1. Note that this does not mean people I know are not this open with each other. Especially in the case of married couples, I have no idea how they are when they are alone with themselves. I am also not implying that they should be more honest about each other when around me. But I can only state what I observe, not what I assume.
2. The man in question has never called me out on anything, so please don’t think this post is a defensive reaction to anything he said to me. This post is about how his implementation of something I believe to work doesn’t match the method required to make it practical, and was kick-started over something I overheard him say in the past week.
