On Being Raised Old School
As some of you know, my parents were divorced when I was little. So most of my childhood years were spent with my mother and me living with or near my grandparents (her parents, if that wasn’t assumed). The point being that my primary male influence was my grandfather, meaning that I learned how to be an adult from someone who had done it more than most. I could create an entire blog about what I learned from him, but today that is not the point. Today I just want to point out one, as I’m not sure how common it is and I am sure from people’s actions/comments that they do not understand where I am coming from.
A few months ago, I honestly forget when, some of us were talking about our mindsets about finances and money in general. One of my friends said that when she was growing up, the impression was given that finances would work themselves out once you were married. Like finances might be a mess while single, but that things were supposed to be better once you got married. Since we are close to the same age, she asked if that mindset was present when I grew up. You know, I honestly don’t remember what I said. Since I don’t know, let me answer here.
I have to say that the answer is pretty much that I agree with the mindset, but from the completely opposite way of thinking. In her past, from the impression I got, the idea was that you don’t need to worry too much about finances because once you get married, things will be better. I, too, gained the impression that once you got married, the wife shouldn’t have to worry about finances. What this meant was that a man has no real business pursuing a serious relationship unless his finances are straight. Why should he bring a woman into a difficult situation? I was raised to believe that the man should be able to support his family, and if he couldn’t do so yet, then he shouldn’t attempt to start a family yet.
So that’s the why for those people wondering why I never seemed to care about dating, or why women that others thought I should pursue weren’t. It’s all about respect. At the time, I wasn’t making any decent money, so the idea of starting a serious relationship was just never in the cards. I’m not saying it is a good or bad way of thinking, just that it is how I grew up.
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Just FYI, I’m really not looking to debate the merits of this mindset. I don’t particularly care about your stories of how you got married with you were 17 and broke and it worked out just fine or waited until you were 45 and financially secure and still got divorced or whatever. :p
[...] I did make a post this morning, as you probably saw. It’s one I have been meaning to make for a month or three, but never really found time to get it out. Maybe I’ll turn it into a series about things I learned growing up. [...]
Well, screw you then!
Nah, I don’t think Trace and I even discussed finances when we got married–we both had jobs, and weren’t in debt, and it was just never an issue and never brought up. I don’t know.
I think that your way of approaching things is wise beyond your years, though. Good way of handling the circumstances.
Lol. Well, to clarify, it’s not that I don’t want stories about how people’s lives have gone. After all, it’s the Interwebs, if not for communicating, what are we all here for? It’s just that I don’t want to be preached at over a topic that isn’t up for debate. As you know, people have a habit of telling you how they did things as if it is gospel truth and, for some reason, expect you to actually change and do what they did. It’s typically very aggrivating to have to remind them that I am not them, so I will live my own life if they don’t mind too much.
But that doesn’t really apply to you since you aren’t crazy, so feel free to throw out whatever opinions you have.
Well, thanks
It’s nice to know there’s one guy out there who doesn’t think I’m psycho!
But seriously folks, I think that it’s an awesome thing to make sure that you are financially secure before you bring someone else into financial (among other things) picture. On the flipside, it’s also a good thing to make sure she’s not $50,000 in debt, too.
i agree w/ you guys.
it’s a good idea to get your own “poop together” (ode to tracy) before you try to mess w/ someone else’s. it’s kinda like the whole “plank in your eye vs. the speck in someone else’s eye” issue jesus talked about.